As the first birthday of my daughter approaches, I am filled with mixed feelings. It’s been almost twelve months since I gave birth to her, and I haven’t come to peace with the way she came into this world.
I still wonder.
I still wish.
I am still angry.
I still cry.
Most of all, I wonder? I have asked the same question so many different ways hundreds of times.
Despite this, I am choosing to throw a party and celebrate my child’s day with joy. It is only now, being a mother, that I realize the significance of birthdays to mothers. I hope, one day, that I will celebrate my subsequent children’s birthdays with joyful remembrance of the day I brought them earthside. For now, I must push the nagging thoughts and wonders of the "birth"day I have aside, and count my many other blessings.
The arrival of our little bundle has given us a year full of joy and light with. The pain of my experience has pushed me to be here, writing this on my blog today. It has shown me just what a passion I have for women and birth. It has given me a direction in life.
On the anniversary of my baby’s birthday, I will be full of joy for her life, but full of sorrow, pain and disappointment at the memories I have of that day - a day I thought would be beautiful, untouchable, womanly, sacred.
I will be grateful.
I will be grateful that we are both healthy. I will be grateful to have her in my life. I will be grateful for all that I have.
But I will also be sad. Sad at the experience I had snatched away from me. Sad for myself, my experience, my husband and my daughter.
Nothing will change that.