My body tenses. Teeth clench. Heart hardens.
I don’t hurt him. I don’t yell. Yet, my heart hardens with frustration.
My agenda to clothe my two-year-old collides with his interest in remaining naked. He wants to play with his trucks on the bedroom floor; I have a morning adventure planned. After several attempts to wrestle him into some clothes, he runs out of the room crying “No!”
My son says “Stop!” and “No!” frequently these days. He even asserts his will while mimicking favored construction trucks.
“Beep, beep, beep!” he says. Usually he does this while putting his hands on my legs and pushing me backward.
This morning I miss his “Beep, beep, beep!” which always makes me smile. I imagine it would translate to something like: “Back up Mom. Give me some space. Who needs clothes? Can’t you see I’m really enjoying this moment of being naked? I have no interest in your morning agenda. Let’s play trucks!”
This morning, instead of construction sounds, he shouts and cries. I feel my body tense. I feel my frustration. I remember to breathe. I remember my intention to soften into empathy.
I walk into the front room where my little naked boy cries in anger. My heart’s hardness melts as soon as I kneel down to connect at eye level. His face is blotchy, his eyes red, his nose runny. He is bawling. He is angry. Yet, I stay present. I sit on the floor.
“You are mad at mommy right now. That’s OK. I love you. I’ll be here when you want a hug.”
He yells again and runs into the kitchen.
“Take a deep breath,” I tell myself as tears filled my eyes.
Grief resides in the dark waters of the hardened heart. As I make room for my sadness, a gentle space of compassion opens. This space is wide enough to include all of the feelings swirling around, and through, both of us.
I sit on the floor and patiently remain present for him. I watch strong emotions move through his two-year-old self.
Yes, he will feel angry. He will feel sad. This is part of life’s flow. How do I respond to the energy of his anger and sadness? Will I try to make him laugh and distract him? Will I respond with my own anger? Do I take it personally? Can I breathe and gently hold space for his pain?
I can choose to soften around these hard edges. I can choose to breathe in gentleness. In this choice, I feel the freedom that comes from releasing the patterns of generations.
For certainly, the hard heart is passed on, inherited. Years before I decided to become a mother, I was committed to transform the negative aspects of my childhood. It took a great deal of therapy, meditation, dance, yoga, and travel to soften the scared and angry parts of my heart. Motherhood takes this process to entirely new levels. May I be grateful for this extraordinary opportunity to put into practice all that I’ve worked hard to uncover about the truth of love.
A minute or two pass. My son comes back to me. He reaches for me. I hold him. I feel the tension within -- and between -- both of us release. He looks at me and I wipe tears from his face.
“Outside?” He points to the door. Can we go outside?
I smile. “Yes, we can go outside. Let’s get dressed and go for a walk.” He nods and hugs me again.
I release my morning agenda as he welcomes my help in getting dressed. I take a deep breath. A few minutes later, we walk hand in hand into the sunlight.